Relationship Advice: How To Get Over A Player

Many times you may find yourself wondering “what happened?’ in a relationship.  It’s the old scenario of realizing it wasn’t what it appeared to be.  And the worst case, plus the most humiliating, is finding out it was never what you thought; only a charade to cover the Player’s real intention. 

Let’s be real.  As frustrating and degrading as it is:  you were played.

First, I want to stress that you are not alone.  Even the most ’people savvy’ individual can find themselves the victim of casual user.    

Now the cold, hard truth sets in. You know you were deceived. You know you were led on. You know the relationship was never what you believed. You realize you allowed yourself to be manipulated by false promises or delusions of some sort. Where do you go from here and how do you deal with the humiliation?

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First, let’s talk about why you became involved with a Player in the first place. Ask yourself this question: what positive ‘feel good things’ did I get out of the relationship? Let us list a few possibilities.

*Attention *passion *excitement

*anticipation *sensuality

*sexual satisfaction

*temporary emotional fulfillment

*flattery

* excitement of being pursued and desired.

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Now, what were the negatives of your involvement in the relationship?

*Guilt *anger *frustration

*humiliation

*fear *tears *sadness

*jealousy *risk *confusion

*indecisiveness

*self-sabotage *hurt *resentment

* oppression.

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It’s necessary to consider and reflect on what kept you latched into the relationship before you can understand WHY you fell for a Player. You can begin by asking yourself the following questions.

1) What caused you to fall for him? (or her)

“Did he give you attention? Were you bored and unfulfilled sexually? Did you have anger and resentment left over from a previous relationship:? He seemed to really understand you like nobody else? He knew exactly what you were thinking?”

2) What did you think when you began to fall for him? (or her)

“Did you fantasize about him daily and believe that he could finally offer you the release you needed to be fulfilled and possibly offered you a way out of the present situation? Did he seem to completely understand your sexual needs and fulfill you in every way?”

3) How did you feel when you began to notice little inconsistencies and ‘holes’ even though were enjoying the positive feel-good things?

“Did you feel anxious, excited, aroused, happy, nervous, uncertain, hopeful, caring, and somewhat in denial as well as sometimes frustrated?”

4) What did you WANT to do when you noticed his (or hers) self contradictions?

“Wanted to question him about some of the confusion I detected in his statements? Did you want to say ‘NO’ to his requests for certain things that went beyond your moral judgment and weren’t the kind of things you would normally do? Did you want to tell him that he was manipulating you?. Did you want to ask him about his inconsistencies, but didn't?. Did you ever want to tell him you thought he was not being fair to you?.”

5) What did you do when it became apparent he (or she) was not valid and you saw it for what it really was?

“At first ignored your gut feeling that he was not all he was presenting himself to be? Continued to flirt and engage in sexual activity with him because he fulfilled so many needs? Were you blinded by your feelings for him (and the “feel-good things)? Did you ignore the warning signs that were obvious? The bubble finally burst when he dropped out of your life with no explanation and never bothered to answer the last message you sent him. Have you refused to contact him because, by then, realized he had just been playing you and throwing you a few crumbs (to keep you hooked) with the hope you would be getting the cake later.?”

6) What was the result?

“He didn’t meet your expectations and you found out and realized he was really a user…..you tried to bargain and convince yourself he really did care for you. You were hurt when you realized his feelings were based on selfishness. You discerned his morality was not what you thought it was. You were disappointed, sad, lonely, humiliated, angry, jealous, and felt totally deceived and angry at yourself.”

Are you devastated and beating yourself up daily? Are you thinking “How could I have been so stupid to ignore the warning signs!?” This may be a good time to think back on past relationships and your pattern of choosing partners. If this is the first time it has happened, then learn from the experience.

What can you do with the feelings? For starters, seek out someone you trust to confide in. If possible, and your sadness and guilt are too overwhelming, seek the guidance of a professional counselor or psychologist. Your feelings are important and getting on with your life is critical. Talking it out with an encouraging person can be very healing.

Anger is a normal reaction to being “played”. Maybe you could write the Player a mean letter and destroy it. Continually sending the Player emails, texts, or leaving hateful, pleading voice mails is not the answer. The important thing is to acknowledge your anger and tell yourself, “I was played. I have a right to feel angry. I have a right to be angry at myself for allowing it.”

Now it is time to learn to forgive yourself.  Let yourself heal and push onward!